I want the whip,

Want to feel the leather,

Don’t let it slip,

Let it get better.

Heal the wounds,

With the slices,

See the swoons,

Let the skin be dices.

Take me to the whip,

I want to feel the pain,

I want a different trip,

Not thinking of her again.

Take me to the whip,

Let me taste the pain,

I want to get a grip,

On a different train.

You play my heart strings,

Like a piece of cat gut,

I shouldn’t have let you in,

I shouldn’t have let you cut.

I should have heard your words,

Not felt your actions,

Go fly with the birds,

While I deal with the attraction.

Hold me now

or hold me never,

Don’t say maybe

when it won’t be ever.

I want

I feel

I can’t

I’m real

You are

You’re not

I’m far

I’m not

     Never take relationship advice from a gay boy.  They can be, and almost always are right, but when they miss, they do it in such a spectacularly momentous way as to outweigh all previous good advice.

     A few months back I was seeing a girl for several weeks.  It was just a casual thing.  We were just seeing where things went if indeed they were going to go anywhere.  It was helped by the fact that she lived in a town 3 hours drive from where I live.  Work had been nice enough to send me off into the country for a project so I was spending 3 or 4 days a week working away. 

     I had met her a couple of weeks before the project ended.  So when that happened she started coming down to the city to see me.  Unfortunately I wasn’t as enamoured with her as she was obviously becoming with me.  Then she started talking about moving to Melbourne.  That wasn’t what I had in mind I can tell you!

     During this time my gay boy friend had the opportunity to meet her.  His opinion was that she seemed very nice and level headed.  Definitely girlfriend material.  He could not have been more wrong. 

    As the weeks wore on  I was increasingly thinking that I should  never have gone past the one night stand with this girl.  What was I thinking I thought to myself,  but then I thought about what my friend had said and thought maybe I just needed more time.  Second opinion I thought.  One of the things that was increasingly turning me off her was the fact that I kept saying I only wanted to be casual now and just take our time and see where things went and she kept agreeing to this but her body language was screaming marriage at me.   I still ended things with her but as she had moved to Melbourne by then she was ringing me a lot wanting to go out as in her words she didn’t know anyone here that she wanted to see.  Probably more like they didn’t want to see her.  She had lived down here in the not too distant past.  Anyway feeling a bit sorry for her because I had let things go on a bit long with her I told her we were off to a girl night at a local pub and that she was welcome to come along.

     Big mistake!  I went out with a couple I know and she met us there.  Luckily the pub had a number of rooms including beer garden/smoking area.  It was set up in such a way as you could walk around in a complete circle.  I had told my friends what to expect of her, that I thought she was a bit on the not so level side of life.  I spent most of the night avoiding her once she got there and my friends were very obliging about this.  On the way home my friends told me what she had said to them.  It went something like this:  Friend :- “so what are you looking for in a girl?”  Response:- ” Oh someone like “X” !”  Meaning me!  They had also  come to the same opinion of her as I had, that something wasn’t quite as it should be and she was definitely someone to be avoided.  So much for the advice from the gay boy.

    I  noticed you this morning on my tram.  I could feel eyes on me and looked up in time to catch you looking away,  I had noticed you as you got on.  Not the sort of girl that usually takes my eye with your long brown hair.   You were standing up reading a popular crime fiction.  Not an easy thing to do on a moving tram.  If I’m going to check you out I will certainly want to know what you are reading.  You kept moving along towards me as people got on and off.  I kept checking you out and nearly caught you several times.  There were two seats that came vacant near you yet you didn’t bother to take either.  Mmm I wondered if the seat became vacant beside me would you sit?  As if reading my mind the guy next to me gets off within a couple a of stops.  You sit immediately.  Well now how are we going to check each other out if we are sitting together?  It is so much easier to do so from a distance.

     She came through the door into the washroom as I came out of the change room.  The look on my face must have been enough to give me away.  She took a deep breath and I could tell she could smell the sex on my fingers from where she stood.  She just smiled and reached for my  hand and raised it to her face.  The look in her eyes told me what she wanted.  I pulled her against me  and kissed her, slowly, while  I fondled her breasts and gently squeezed her nipples.  I could feel my nipples going rock hard again and my pussy hot with desire.  I pulled back and said to her “lets get some privacy,  the change rooms are empty”.   I should know, just having used the area to relieve myself  of  the sexual tension that I had had all day.

     I took her by the hand and led her through the inner door.   We went into the last shower cubicle and I pushed her against the wall with my body hard against hers.   I kissed her deeply.   She responded with equal passion, her hands were under my top as I was undoing her jeans.  The urgency increased as all I could hear was our panting……….

    I am an island.  I am alone.  It is a workable analogy. 

    I can imagine myself with a big reef and huge breakers making it hard to find the safe way in.  When you get to the island I have soft white beaches of innocence that belies what lies underneath.  There are deep, dark caves, moist and warm within.  You may enter those yet you may never reach me.  There are heights that you may see but never scale.  I keep myself very deep within and allow no-one to see all of me.

     People say I’m intense.  I can be but it is dependant on my mood.  It is just another way of keeping me hidden.

     I have been single now for nine months and I am enjoying it.  At the end of my last relationship I made myself a promise that I would stay single for at least twelve months.  This was to give myself the chance to heal, to become whole again as I had let someone a lot of the way in.   I don’t think you can have a good relationship with someone else if you are full of unresolved issues.  This was probably the major reason my last Girlfriend and I didn’t last. 

     I am happy with my own company.  I like myself.  I enjoy living alone.  Sometimes it is lonely.  These are the times I miss her the most and I have to remind myself that there is a lot more to love than physical company.  Besides there is nothing wrong with the good old one night stand.

Hello!!!  Thought I would see how this goes.  Not sure if it’s going to be me yet but I had to do something as the salt mine is getting so boring. 

Salt mine is located in Melbourne for those interested.  In the CBD.

My problem today is I can’t get my head onto what it’s supposed to be doing.  I keep thinking about my ex of 9 months and the the new GF she has found and thinking how unfair that is.  I’m the one who said enough is enough and broke up with her!  I’m the one who went to counselling to deal with all the issues that this created.  You would have thought that I would have been the one to meet someone first!  I do think I am better adjusted.  But no I can’t walk down the street and bump into the woman of my dreams!! 

I guess I am just going to have to wait.  I hate waiting!!

I believe that there is a soul mate or true love or how ever you want to call it for everyone.  I believe in love at first sight.  Haven’t had it happen yet but I still believe.

So there.  My first rant.