but words aren’t in my sight

I want to say

what I mean

But its the end of the day

and I only want to dream.

Anyway this lead me to thinking about my reaction the first time I took a small trip into country Victoria a few months after I had come out.  I was driving down the highway with a couple of pre rolled spliffs in my smoke packet when it dawned on me that I was out in the country and that the attitude of the police in the country can reflect that of the bogan communities  they serve.  I used to work in the country travelling, but was usually in business suits and so felt quite  safe.  This was on a weekend and I was dressed in my casual gear and was quite recognisable by the way I was dressed as an out lesbian.  Having spent an unfortunate number of years with a country policeman and knowing their attitudes, I realised that having something as small as a couple of joints on me could end me up in a lot of trouble.  Just by the way I was dressed they would be likely to search me.  This was only a couple of years after the Tasty nightclub raid and city cops were only just starting to be reasonable.  So at a 100kms an hour I did the royal panic and hid the joints on my body were they would have to be doing a strip search to find them and I didn’t think they would go that far, especially as I knew my rights and would voice them.  This was only 13 years ago.

Tapestry of the day

Avoiding eyes tell lies

Knowing they want me to go away.

Given up for the time being

Four weeks to go

And no, I don’t know.

Like I’m walking in the rain

Don’t know where you been

Looking like a man

Pull up to my bumper baby

At the club and the breeders are going home

But use me

But use me………….

Cos I’m out nightclubbing

Or walking in the rain.

don’t know what is in my sight

end of the fight

late night

Walking in the cold

Looking at the aftermath

Of a night gone wild

On my way home

Alone

i hurt

i am dissappointed

i’m not angry at you

I’m angry, yes but

i hurt

i didn’t mean to get that deep that quick

i trusted you

you need to trust you

you went away today

It’s ok

cos I love you

I said my goodbye

when I saw you last

My heart holds you

til the last

Thankyou for being my dad

you were the best.

written 10/09/08

Chapter 1            Age 2

When I was two and a half we moved out of town and onto a couple of farms.  The second one I lived on until I left home at seventeen.

I have a vague memory of the house we moved to when I was two and a half at Cunningyeuk. It was two buildings joined by a covered area.  Much later when I went back there and looked at the house again I could see where it had been built in.

Chapter 2            Age 3

My first clear memory was of the day we moved onto our farm at Mallan.  I remember there being a ramp on the back step.  Mum says I couldn’t cos it got removed the day we moved in.  I remember it.

My other clear memory at about age three was shooting my first rabbit.  I can even remember where exactly on the farm we were when I shot it.  I was sitting on my uncle’s knee in his EH ute and resting the gun on the window.  I remember I shot it exactly in the middle of its spine and paralysed it from the waist down as it was trying to crawl away using just its front legs.  My uncle wrung its neck quickly and told me you do this quickly so that they do not suffer.

Chapter 3            Age 4

At four I used to spend a lot of time with mum.  I was still considered too small to hang out with dad all day.  I remember we used to get our bread delivered Monday, Wednesday and Friday by the mailman.  He was an old bush guy that used to drive a big old dodge ute.  It was pale blue.  On bread days we used to make the three mile drive to the mailbox on the main road and wait for the mailman to come.  Mum didn’t like the bread sitting in the mailbox.  Our mailbox was a 44 gallon drum that dad had cut the lid in half and remounted with hinges so it swung.  It was mounted on a pole on its side.  Every one used to have to provide their own mailboxes and the farmers used to use a variety of recycled things, drums being the plentiful option.  So when we used to see the mailman if I was really lucky he would give me a small bottle of milk that he carried to deliver to the local school.  NSW schools used to provide a milk for every child every day.

Chapter 4            Age 5

I started school at 5. It was a small country school with at its peak while I was there of 45 kids.  It had two teachers and two rooms.   I have a very vivid memory of a day sometime in the first week and it may have even been the first day.  Dad said to me before I went to school that if anyone hit me to hit them back.  As I was predominantly on my own with two adults and not a lot of mixing with other kids I guess my social skills weren’t very good and so dad told me this to protect me.  A girl had hit me.  I remember trying to hit her back but she had run away and was unfortunately a little faster runner than me and I couldn’t quite catch her.  So being the quick thinker I was I solved the problem by picking up a large stick and trying to cover the distance between us with that.  This is where the teacher stepped  in and dad had to go and see him when he came to pick me up.

Chapter 5            Age 6

I had my first very best friend at 6.  Her name was Joanne.  All I remember about her was that she had very frizzy blonde hair.  It was unusual and the same with my first best friend in high school, she had the same type of hair.  At the end of the year he family moved to Bendigo and I have never seen her since.

Chapter 6            Age 7

I went with dad one night in the truck to deliver some cattle back to the farm on the other side of the river.  The river was low and the cattle had crossed it.  I remember after we had unloaded them one of the other men stepped into the lights of the truck to take a piss and dad asked him what he thought he was doing as he had his daughter in the truck.  I think this is the first time I remember being mistaken for a boy.

Chapter 7            Age 8

I remember going to town with dad in the wheat truck.  Some days he would take two loads in.  This day we only took one.  We called around to see one of dad’s best mates.  He was a Greek guy who ran the local fish and chip shop.  He gave us a couple of capsicum to take home.  Dad put them in the cab of the truck against the engine cover which was in the middle o f the cab so it got quite hot.  To this day I do not like capsicum and I hate the smell.

Chapter 8            Age 9

One lot of school holidays my brother was visiting with his three kids at the time.  He went on to have five.  His two eldest were older than me. Stephen was older by 6 months and the eldest, Gayle by about 18 months.  Anyway one afternoon mum and my sister-in-law went out and for whatever reason I had washed my hair.  At the time my hair was quite long, nearly boob length.  It was also extremely sun bleached. It was also very fair, the front being nearly white.  When mum came home she accused my niece of bleaching my hair. It took us ages to convince them we hadn’t done anything to my hair

Chapter 9            Age 10

Dad bought me my first horse, Prince when I was ten.  Unfortunately I couldn’t ride as he needed an experienced rider.  One day dad had ridden him all day and he was just back at the sheep yards which were maybe 300 meters from the house.  He thought he had tired him out enough and so let me ride him to round up the last of the sheep into the yards.  Unfortunately when we happened to be facing towards home I got a bit excited and kicked him.  He wasn’t as tired as dad thought and he bolted for the house yards which were attached to his paddock.  I just let go of the reins and hung on around his neck so I didn’t fall.  He stopped when we got to the gate.  I got off, all good.  Then mum comes running and screaming in hot pursuit.  It is the only time I have ever seen her unsaddle a horse.  She did that and put him out in his paddock.  I wasn’t allowed to ride him again except in a yard until I had learnt to ride  properly which was when I was twelve.

Chapter 10          Age 11

Dad realised that I needed a quieter horse to learn to ride on so he bought me an old nag.  We called him Toby.  He was very old and was ideal for me.  He had a few vices but I learnt pretty quickly.  I remember once dad was down the paddock and his ute had broken down as usual and he saw Toby not far away so he found a piece of wire.  Toby thought as long as you had something on him he had to obey.  Unfortunately for dad he was standing on the channel bank.  When dad went to jump on him he moved a little and dad went right over and into the channel.  So he had to walk home wet.

Chapter 11          Age 12

I vividly remember this Christmas.  My sister who was up for the holidays with her family came in and woke me at about 830 in the morning.  I knew something was wrong because it was too early for them to be waking me and it wasn’t normal for my sister to be waking me.  She told me the that the night before there had been a car accident and the eldest son of one of the largest and best liked families in the district had been killed in the accident.  This was during the years that it was mandatory for seat belts to be installed in all new vehicles but it wasn’t mandatory to wear them.  The son of another of our community families was driving the car and he was wearing his seat belt.  They were drunk and hit a bridge and the car rolled and Grant was thrown out and the car rolled on him.  The accident had a lasting and not good effect on the driver, even as a teenager I can remember thinking that his behaviours, drinking and not being able to hold a job had probably been caused by the effects of this accident.  This is why I always wear a seat belt, always

Chapter 12          Age13

My neighbour who lived on the farm to the west and at the back of our farm had horses.  She had polo ponies like her husband and a couple of race horses that she trained.  So she helped in teaching me to ride by lunging me on her race horses.  She taught me the English style.  I eventually worked out that I preferred the Australian slouch style.

Chapter 13          Age 14

I got my first period at 14.  I was prepared as mum had taken me to sex education at the school.  The biggest problem she wanted me to use pads and I wanted tampons.  So as usually happened when I had a difficult question we made a rare long distance call to my sister, Gloria and I asked her about them.  I had to then put mum back on the phone so she could tell her what to buy for me.   Before this had happened though, mum had taken me to the doctor because I hadn’t started my period.  She was a worrier.

I used to go with my neighbour, Fiona, to the country race meets.  Her first child was only small, still in nappies.  We used to take turns with the kid and the horse.  I strapped for her and I babysat.  It was quite funny because we had to swap around a bit.  Once she had saddled the horse we would swap and I would walk it around the mounting yard until the jockey was ready to mount and then we would swap again so she could give the jockey the instructions.

Chapter 14          Age 15

I got properly pissed the first time at 15.  I was staying at the older sister of my boyfriends’ house.  He didn’t stay but I remember she bought us a bottle of vodka.  A 1.25 litre bottle.  I drank three quarters of it with orange juice.  I was sick for about two days.  To this day I can still taste vodka in any mixed drink.

Chapter 15          Age 16

I started my first job at 16.  I was in 4^th form, year 10.  There was an ad on the notice board at school.  It said 5^th and 6^th formers only but I had a friend who was in 5^th form so we went up together and convinced the teacher I could do it to.

I also lost my virginity at sixteen.  I was careful. I didn’t want to get pregnant so I did some research.  I had mum take me to the doctor to go on the pill because I was having very bad period pain.  As usual she fell for it and I got what I wanted.  Safety.